I went to a funeral on Saturday. The lady that died was Esther Stenzel. She was my dad's old neighbor, and kind of part of our adopted family. She was 96. I didn't really know her, but she was close to the family. She didn't really have much of a family of her own. Everyone had either died or moved thousands of miles away. Our family was really the only crowd at the funeral. As I looked at her during the visitation (reluctantly--embalmed bodies weird me out), I couldn't help but think of my grandfather whom I went to visit in the hospital the day before; and about my dog, who is scheduled to pass away within the next month; and about my parakeet, who can barely move because she has a tumor the about the same size as her on her breast; all she does is sit and cry. I thought about all the people I knew who died, and even the people I didn't know. It's crazy when you stop and think about how short life is; how it's subject to change without a moment's notice.
It's getting colder now. I hate it. My room is an icebox. My feet are always frozen, and I wake up in the night shivering. I think that the temperature has a direct correlation with my mood.
I've been all out of sorts ever since school started again. I can't seem to get it figured out. I'm having a terrible time making decisions. I change my mind abruptly and frequently. I can't focus on anything. I can't get motivated to do anything. I am absentminded. I don't feel like I am heading in any particular direction right now. I've just been kind of waiting out the days, letting myself drift aimlessly until it works itself out.
I should be more pro-active in life. My fortune cookie yesterday told me to leave nothing to chance. I should be making positive steps towards what I want.
I have no idea what that is.
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